When/how I was saved

When/how I was saved

I'm not sure how, but somehow when I was just a toddler, I knew Jesus. My parents were atheists, so my knowledge of Him didn't come from them. My mother hated God and everything to do with Him because of bad experiences in the Catholic Church when she was a child. God was never discussed in our home, but somehow I knew Him, and I knew He was God, although I'm not sure if I actually knew those words yet. When I was about 4, I discovered that there were shows on TV about God in the morning when I woke up. So I would get up before my parents and turn those on and listen to them. When mama would wake up, she'd get angry and change the channel to cartoons and tell me she didn't want me watching that garbage. I don't think I understood much of it, though, all I knew was that I loved Jesus and that He loved me.

When I was only 12, I did talk my mom into getting me a bible and I read it constantly. But no one explained the gospel to me. No one taught me what everything meant. I tried very hard to find out on my own. Even though I was 12, I decided that I'd start going to Sunday School. I didn't want to start with the 6th grade though, as I assumed I wasn't ready for that since I didn't know the basics. I went to the 1st grade classroom for awhile, then the 2nd, etc. till I felt I had learned all they had to offer. Then I went to my own grade. But I still didn't know the gospel! Oh yeah, I knew the bible stories now, and that's a start anyway, but I didn't know the most important things of all! I was told that because I had prayed and wanted Jesus to be my Lord, that I was saved, so I assumed I was but no one really explained what it meant to be saved.

When I was 17 a friend from school invited me to a youth group where they were showing something by Hal Lindsey. That was where I learned about the rapture and I was so very excited about that! I couldn't wait for Jesus to come back! Yet I still wasn't sure what being saved was all about. I assumed it meant simply that I wanted to be saved and that I had made a promise to God to be good from then on. I didn't know anything about any part God was supposed to play in my salvation.

I struggled for years, all my teen years and the first few adult years, to "be good" so that I would go to heaven. I adored Jesus! But I couldn't live up to His standards. I finally gave up. I knew it was just impossible. So I told Him how sorry I was, and that I loved Him, and that I understood that I'd have to go to hell, but that was OK, cause I knew I deserved hell. I did presume to ask Him if I might just see His face one time before He sent me there though, and if maybe I could give Him a hug.

I lived most of the rest of my adult life with that thought. I still went to church every Sunday, I still read my bible, I still prayed. But I did it all with the knowledge that I'd never go to heaven. I only hoped that maybe my children might make it somehow. And I still loved Jesus with all my heart.

It wasn't until approximately 12 years ago, that the Lord in His great mercy, spoke to me and showed me the Truth. My life at that time was a total wreck. I desperately needed help and I wanted answers. I knew enough to know that the only real truth could be found only in the Bible, so that was where I turned, to the Bible and prayer. I pleaded with the Lord to help me, to show me what to do, and to show me why I couldn't be good enough for Him. The reason I asked Him why I couldn't be good enough for Him was because I wanted to know where I had gone wrong, and how other people did it.

I kept thinking about Peter and the other disciples and how they changed so much and lived victoriously after Jesus was resurrected. I felt like there had to be something I was missing because if they could change like that, then I should be able to as well-and yet I couldn't. What was the reason? What changed them?

I wanted to try one more time, but at the same time, I wasn't real sure the Lord would allow me to. I had gotten baptized when I was 12 and figured that every sin I committed after that moment was on my slate and I would have to pay for it in hell. I didn't think the Lord would let me get baptized again, but I had a faint hope that He might, since I was only a child then.... so I prayed and I read.

I immersed myself in my bible, and I started reading other Christian books as well including "Satan is alive and well on planet earth" by Hal Lindsey. While reading that book, Hal explained the gospel in it, and the light went on, and I understood!!!! My soul rejoiced and I cried and prayed and cried some more as I realized that I was saved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That He loved me too! That I didn't have to be "good enough" for Him!!!! That He took me as I was!!!! Oh the glory of that moment!!! Time stood still and when it started again my whole world and my whole life was changed. Instantly.

(and yes, I'm crying my eyes out right now just remembering this)

Later, much later, I asked the Lord, why it had taken me so long to learn the Truth. What I was really asking was "why didn't you tell me before!" The Lord showed me this verse:

Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

That last line just jumped right out at me and practically glowed!

Yes, I had sought Him before, many times, but never with my "whole" heart. All those other times, there were many other things that my heart felt were just as important...school, getting good grades, friends, raising my kids, day to day life, my job, money, fixing whatever current crisis my life was in at that time, etc. It wasn't until I literally laid it ALL down and made finding the Lord my top priority and my only priority that I found Him. If you read back to where I said I started searching and reading my Bible again, you'll see that this time, I wasn't running to God so that He would fix the crisis I was in or help me get a raise or anything else. Yes, my life was a total wreck, but I had finally come to understand that it was a wreck because I didn't have Him in my life. I knew that He was what I needed, more then health, more then money, more then making my kids obey me, more then anything.

Ever since that moment, my life has been filled with joy. Oh yes, there have been many times that I had problems and that I had to deal with grief and heartache, as well as all the normal day to day problems everyone has, as well as chronic pain. It wasn't an easy road to get my life turned around and put onto the right track, and I don't mean to imply that it was.

Beneath it all however was a joy that has never left me. Joy that one day I will see my Savior face to face and that I will get to spend Eternity praising Him! That joy is my strength even now and I know it always will be no matter what comes. People may fail me, loved ones may hurt me, problems will come, but Jesus will never leave me and that joy is there, deep in my soul.

Another thing changed in me at that moment when I was saved. I was immediately at peace with God. I had fought Him for so long that it actually felt strange at first, although welcome as well. It felt kind of like the world had been lifted off my shoulders, and I hadn't even realized I was carrying the world on my shoulders until it was gone. That peace has also stayed with me and never leaves. I didn't understand what that was either at first--I just enjoyed it. Now I know that peace is Jesus, because Jesus is our peace and He is the Prince of peace and He alone can give us His peace which passes all understanding. I think that's why it's so hard to describe, because it is beyond understanding and beyond words. It's not even really a feeling, it's just a reality that's there....