Oh how I love Jesus!

My parents were atheists, so the only knowledge I had of Jesus and the Gospel came from church. Although I was only 12, I did talk my mom into getting me a bible and I read it constantly. But no one explained the gospel to me. No one taught me what everything meant. I tried very hard to find out on my own. Even though I was 12, I decided that I'd start going to Sunday School. I didn't want to start with the 6th grade though, as I assumed I wasn't ready for that since I didn't know the basics. I went to the 1st grade classroom for awhile, then the 2nd, etc. till I felt I had learned all they had to offer. Then I went to my own grade. But I still didn't know the gospel! Oh yeah, I knew the bible stories now, and that's a start anyway, but I didn't know the most important things of all!

I struggled for years, all my teen years and the first few adult years, to "be good" so that I would go to heaven. I adored Jesus! But I couldn't live up to His standards. I finally gave up. I knew it was just impossible. So I told Him how sorry I was, and that I loved Him, and that I understood that I'd have to go to hell, but that was OK, cause I knew I deserved hell. I did presume to ask Him if I might just see His face one time before He sent me there though, and if maybe I could give Him a hug.

I lived most of the rest of my adult life with that thought. I still went to church every Sunday, I still read my bible, I still prayed. But I did it all with the knowledge that I'd never go to heaven. I only hoped that maybe my children might make it somehow. And I still loved Jesus with all my heart.

It wasn't until approximately 12 years ago, that the Lord in His great mercy, spoke to me and showed me the Truth. My life at that time was a total wreck. I desperately needed help and I wanted answers. I knew enough to know that the only real truth could be found only in the Bible, so that was where I turned, to the Bible and prayer. I pleaded with the Lord to help me, to show me what to do, and to show me why I couldn't be good enough for Him. The reason I asked Him why I couldn't be good enough for Him was because I wanted to know where I had gone wrong, and how other people did it. I wanted to try one more time, but at the same time, I wasn't real sure the Lord would allow me to. I had gotten baptized when I was 12 and figured that every sin I committed after that moment was on my slate and I would have to pay for it in hell. I didn't think the Lord would let me get baptized again, but I had a faint hope that He might, since I was only a child then.... so I prayed and I read.

I immersed myself in my bible, and I started reading other Christian books as well. I honestly can't remember which book I was reading, although I think it was "Satan is alive and well on planet earth" by Hal Lindsey. I know that whichever book I was reading it was one of Hal's. Anyway, he explained the gospel in it, and the light went on, and I understood!!!! My soul rejoiced and I cried and prayed and cried some more as I realized that I was saved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That He loved me too! That I didn't have to be "good enough" for Him!!!! That He took me as I was!!!! Oh the glory of that moment!!! Time stood still and when it started again my whole world and my whole life was changed. Instantly.

(and yes, I'm crying my eyes out right now just remembering this)

Later, much later, lol, I asked the Lord, why it had taken me so long to learn the Truth. What I was really asking was "why didn't you tell me before!" The Lord showed me this verse:

Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

That last line just jumped right out at me and practically glowed!

Yes, I had sought Him before, many times, but never with my "whole" heart. All those other times, there were many other things that my heart felt were just as important...school, getting good grades, friends, raising my kids, day to day life, my job, money, fixing whatever current crisis my life was in at that time, etc. It wasn't until I literally laid it ALL down and made finding the Lord my top priority and my only priority that I found Him. If you read back to where I said I started searching and reading my Bible again, you'll see that this time, I wasn't running to God so that He would fix the crisis I was in or help me get a raise or anything else. Yes, my life was a total wreck, but I had finally come to understand that it was a wreck because I didn't have Him in my lfe. I knew that He was what I needed, more then health, more then money, more then making my kids respect me, more then anything.

Ever since that moment, my life has been filled with joy. Oh yes, there have been many times that I had problems and that I had to deal with grief and heartache, as well as all the normal day to day problems everyone has. It wasn't an easy road to get my life turned around and put onto the right track, and I don't mean to imply that it was. Beneath it all however was a joy that has never left me. Joy that one day I will see my Savior face to face and that I will get to spend Eternity praising Him! That joy is my strength even now and I know it always will be no matter what comes. People may fail me, loved ones may hurt me, problems will come, but Jesus will never leave me and that joy is there, deep in my soul.

Broken Dreams

Dear Friend,
There's so much I wish I could share with you. I'm sure we've both had to deal with a lot of pain and heartache in our lives. What I want you to know is that there is also a lot of joy. Has life just punched you out one to many times that you didn't know where to turn or what to do? In my struggles --about 11 years ago, I finally turned back to my Bible to look for some answers. I started praying and asking God to teach me how to pray and how to live and how to do His will. Years passed and I made many more big mistakes as I tried to deal with what life handed me.

At the same time however, I realized that God was answering my prayers and I was learning. I began to learn that most of the garbage I was going through was due to my own mistakes and sins of both the past and the present. One of the first things I did was to get rid of all the New Age stuff and books I had accumulated, as I'd learned from the Bible how terrible that stuff is in God's sight. I began asking Him to forgive me for all my sins. I really had no excuse. I'd known the Bible before. It just hadn't seemed "personal" before. It had seemed more like a history book, not one that was written for and about me. I had always felt that there was no way I could live up to God's expectations. I'd try and then get so frustrated and depressed because I just couldn't do it.

I didn't understand then that God didn't expect me too. I felt a lot like Humpty Dumpty. Both my whole life and me were in a lot of broken pieces and no one could ever put them back together again. Then one day I finally discovered the truth that Jesus had died to cover all my sins-past. Present and future, not just some of them! I discovered that He could and would restore all that I had lost over the years. He could put the pieces back together again! I was thrilled! I felt 'clean' for the first time ever! I had a clean slate and could now start over, and even the mistakes and sins I committed from now on would be covered!

Then God showed me how He would actually give me His power to do His will! Now it wasn't me trying to do things on my own-it was God living in me doing His will! It was awesome. I discovered that God was every bit as powerful now as He was in "Bible Times".

He still worked miracles on a regular basis, and still changed the lives of His people for the better! He still talks to people, even everyday kind of people like me! I began to learn more of just how great, good, deep and compassionate, His love is for His children. I began to understand that He loves to give His children good gifts and blessings, but because He is a Righteous and Just God, he cannot bless us when we are disobedient to Him. So the more obedient we became, the more He blessed us.

I learned that once you have asked Jesus to come into your heart and be your personal Lord and King, and to forgive your sins, He forgives them all, and begins to bless our lives. He does however expect us to turn from our sins and do our best to live in a way that is honoring to Him. Then He even helps us do it! He died an agonizing death on a cross, just so He could forgive your sins. (and mine) He knew all about you, even then. He thought of you, and gave His life, so you wouldn't have to.

You may think that going to church can't help you, and you're right. Church, in and of itself, can't help anyone. Jesus can. Jesus changes lives. Jesus brings hope where there is none, and God can make a way where there is no way. I know that as an absolute fact. He did it for me. A church building is just where people who know Jesus, get together to worship Him, learn more about Him and His Will and plan for them. It's where people who love the Lord can meet together to give moral, spiritual, physical, and material support to each other. It's where people who love the Lord can get together with the rest of their family-because in Christ we are truly family to each other and love each other as such. Some churches reflect that love better than others. We have been blessed to be part of a church that is filled with people honestly trying to reflect the love of Christ in every aspect of their lives.

I've learned that there is a big difference between knowing about Jesus and knowing Him personally. Before, my life was a constant struggle to prove that I deserved to be loved. Now I live as someone who can celebrate the truth of my belovedness every day. The first time I felt the Lord's love for me personally, I was so overwhelmed! It was awesome! Slowly I came to realize that I could trust Him, that He wasn't going to abandon me. I learned to trust His word and know it for the Truth. The Bible became a long collection of love letters that the Lord had written just for me. He showed me in His Word that He forgives all my sins, heals all my diseases, redeems my life from the pit, (and I was in a deep one!) and crowns me with love and compassion. He satisfies my desires with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagles. (that's in Psalm 103:3-5) He daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves! (Psalm 68: 19-20) He says that He will contend with those who contend with me and that He will save my children. (Isaiah 49:25) He promises to help and strengthen us.

I went from a knowledge that God could do all these things (and much more) to an awestruck understanding that He will do them and He wants to do them for us! One of my favorite promises from Him is in Jeremiah 29: 11. He says, "1 know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I am just so grateful to Him for all He's done for me, and all He continues to do, I could praise Him forever! That's why I wanted to share Him with you. What He's done for me, He'll do for you. You just have to ask Him to be Your Savior.

(this was originally written back in 2001)