My parents were atheists, so the only knowledge I had of Jesus and
the Gospel came from church. Although I was only 12, I did talk my mom
into getting me a bible and I read it constantly. But no one explained
the gospel to me. No one taught me what everything meant. I tried very
hard to find out on my own. Even though I was 12, I decided that I'd
start going to Sunday School. I didn't want to start with the 6th grade
though, as I assumed I wasn't ready for that since I didn't know the
basics. I went to the 1st grade classroom for awhile, then the 2nd, etc.
till I felt I had learned all they had to offer. Then I went to my own
grade. But I still didn't know the gospel! Oh yeah, I knew the bible
stories now, and that's a start anyway, but I didn't know the most
important things of all!
I struggled for years, all my teen years and the first few adult years, to "be good" so that I would go to heaven. I adored Jesus! But I couldn't live up to His standards. I finally gave up. I knew it was just impossible. So I told Him how sorry I was, and that I loved Him, and that I understood that I'd have to go to hell, but that was OK, cause I knew I deserved hell. I did presume to ask Him if I might just see His face one time before He sent me there though, and if maybe I could give Him a hug.
I lived most of the rest of my adult life with that thought. I still went to church every Sunday, I still read my bible, I still prayed. But I did it all with the knowledge that I'd never go to heaven. I only hoped that maybe my children might make it somehow. And I still loved Jesus with all my heart.
It wasn't until approximately 12 years ago, that the Lord in His great mercy, spoke to me and showed me the Truth. My life at that time was a total wreck. I desperately needed help and I wanted answers. I knew enough to know that the only real truth could be found only in the Bible, so that was where I turned, to the Bible and prayer. I pleaded with the Lord to help me, to show me what to do, and to show me why I couldn't be good enough for Him. The reason I asked Him why I couldn't be good enough for Him was because I wanted to know where I had gone wrong, and how other people did it. I wanted to try one more time, but at the same time, I wasn't real sure the Lord would allow me to. I had gotten baptized when I was 12 and figured that every sin I committed after that moment was on my slate and I would have to pay for it in hell. I didn't think the Lord would let me get baptized again, but I had a faint hope that He might, since I was only a child then.... so I prayed and I read.
I immersed myself in my bible, and I started reading other Christian books as well. I honestly can't remember which book I was reading, although I think it was "Satan is alive and well on planet earth" by Hal Lindsey. I know that whichever book I was reading it was one of Hal's. Anyway, he explained the gospel in it, and the light went on, and I understood!!!! My soul rejoiced and I cried and prayed and cried some more as I realized that I was saved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That He loved me too! That I didn't have to be "good enough" for Him!!!! That He took me as I was!!!! Oh the glory of that moment!!! Time stood still and when it started again my whole world and my whole life was changed. Instantly.
(and yes, I'm crying my eyes out right now just remembering this)
Later, much later, lol, I asked the Lord, why it had taken me so long to learn the Truth. What I was really asking was "why didn't you tell me before!" The Lord showed me this verse:
Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
That last line just jumped right out at me and practically glowed!
Yes, I had sought Him before, many times, but never with my "whole" heart. All those other times, there were many other things that my heart felt were just as important...school, getting good grades, friends, raising my kids, day to day life, my job, money, fixing whatever current crisis my life was in at that time, etc. It wasn't until I literally laid it ALL down and made finding the Lord my top priority and my only priority that I found Him. If you read back to where I said I started searching and reading my Bible again, you'll see that this time, I wasn't running to God so that He would fix the crisis I was in or help me get a raise or anything else. Yes, my life was a total wreck, but I had finally come to understand that it was a wreck because I didn't have Him in my lfe. I knew that He was what I needed, more then health, more then money, more then making my kids respect me, more then anything.
Ever since that moment, my life has been filled with joy. Oh yes, there have been many times that I had problems and that I had to deal with grief and heartache, as well as all the normal day to day problems everyone has. It wasn't an easy road to get my life turned around and put onto the right track, and I don't mean to imply that it was. Beneath it all however was a joy that has never left me. Joy that one day I will see my Savior face to face and that I will get to spend Eternity praising Him! That joy is my strength even now and I know it always will be no matter what comes. People may fail me, loved ones may hurt me, problems will come, but Jesus will never leave me and that joy is there, deep in my soul.
I struggled for years, all my teen years and the first few adult years, to "be good" so that I would go to heaven. I adored Jesus! But I couldn't live up to His standards. I finally gave up. I knew it was just impossible. So I told Him how sorry I was, and that I loved Him, and that I understood that I'd have to go to hell, but that was OK, cause I knew I deserved hell. I did presume to ask Him if I might just see His face one time before He sent me there though, and if maybe I could give Him a hug.
I lived most of the rest of my adult life with that thought. I still went to church every Sunday, I still read my bible, I still prayed. But I did it all with the knowledge that I'd never go to heaven. I only hoped that maybe my children might make it somehow. And I still loved Jesus with all my heart.
It wasn't until approximately 12 years ago, that the Lord in His great mercy, spoke to me and showed me the Truth. My life at that time was a total wreck. I desperately needed help and I wanted answers. I knew enough to know that the only real truth could be found only in the Bible, so that was where I turned, to the Bible and prayer. I pleaded with the Lord to help me, to show me what to do, and to show me why I couldn't be good enough for Him. The reason I asked Him why I couldn't be good enough for Him was because I wanted to know where I had gone wrong, and how other people did it. I wanted to try one more time, but at the same time, I wasn't real sure the Lord would allow me to. I had gotten baptized when I was 12 and figured that every sin I committed after that moment was on my slate and I would have to pay for it in hell. I didn't think the Lord would let me get baptized again, but I had a faint hope that He might, since I was only a child then.... so I prayed and I read.
I immersed myself in my bible, and I started reading other Christian books as well. I honestly can't remember which book I was reading, although I think it was "Satan is alive and well on planet earth" by Hal Lindsey. I know that whichever book I was reading it was one of Hal's. Anyway, he explained the gospel in it, and the light went on, and I understood!!!! My soul rejoiced and I cried and prayed and cried some more as I realized that I was saved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That He loved me too! That I didn't have to be "good enough" for Him!!!! That He took me as I was!!!! Oh the glory of that moment!!! Time stood still and when it started again my whole world and my whole life was changed. Instantly.
(and yes, I'm crying my eyes out right now just remembering this)
Later, much later, lol, I asked the Lord, why it had taken me so long to learn the Truth. What I was really asking was "why didn't you tell me before!" The Lord showed me this verse:
Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
That last line just jumped right out at me and practically glowed!
Yes, I had sought Him before, many times, but never with my "whole" heart. All those other times, there were many other things that my heart felt were just as important...school, getting good grades, friends, raising my kids, day to day life, my job, money, fixing whatever current crisis my life was in at that time, etc. It wasn't until I literally laid it ALL down and made finding the Lord my top priority and my only priority that I found Him. If you read back to where I said I started searching and reading my Bible again, you'll see that this time, I wasn't running to God so that He would fix the crisis I was in or help me get a raise or anything else. Yes, my life was a total wreck, but I had finally come to understand that it was a wreck because I didn't have Him in my lfe. I knew that He was what I needed, more then health, more then money, more then making my kids respect me, more then anything.
Ever since that moment, my life has been filled with joy. Oh yes, there have been many times that I had problems and that I had to deal with grief and heartache, as well as all the normal day to day problems everyone has. It wasn't an easy road to get my life turned around and put onto the right track, and I don't mean to imply that it was. Beneath it all however was a joy that has never left me. Joy that one day I will see my Savior face to face and that I will get to spend Eternity praising Him! That joy is my strength even now and I know it always will be no matter what comes. People may fail me, loved ones may hurt me, problems will come, but Jesus will never leave me and that joy is there, deep in my soul.
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